Facing death up close and personal

It is one thing to talk about death and dying, it is another to death up close and personal.

I have ministered to individuals who were dying of terminal illness or grieving the loss of a loved one. I have given lectures and workshops to health professionals working in the hospice or palliative care. I have published many papers on death and dying.

But all these experiences and knowledge seem too abstract and too remote when I have to confront my own mortality up close and personal.

About two months ago, the doctor in charge of my case looked at pathologist’s report and said: “Unfortunately you have cancer. You have the most aggressive type of prostate cancer with a Gleason Score of 9. You need to do a bone-scan and CT-scan to find out whether the cancer has spread to other parts of the body.”

I can recall that I was not surprised by the bad news, because my family physician discovered that my PSA level was 13 and make an appointment for me to do a biopsy as soon as possible. But my overall feeling was numbness. Besides, I was too busy to process the prospect that my prostate cancer might be in the terminal stage.

After the news, I went back to work as usual, meeting with my students, colleagues and writing my papers. Trying to make light of the situations, I told all my friends and students that “I am not sick, but I have cancer.” The truth was I really did not have any symptoms or feel anything wrong with my body, except the cancer cells within my body were growing silently.

The only thing that went through my mind was: how did it happen? Could I have prevented it? Way back in June 2006, when I was still in BC, my family doctor told me that my PSA level was 6, which could be due to cancer or infection. He also said that it was not something to worry about, but we needed to monitor it.

In July 2006, I was busy with organizing the International Meaning Conference, and in August, life became more hectic because I had to pack and move to Toronto to take up a new position at Tyndale University College at Professor and Chair of Division of Social Sciences and Business Administration.

My new position is very demanding and stressful. I did not have the time to think about prostate cancer until my annual check up in August, 2007. That was when the alarm bell start to ring and I had to wait for a biopsy which did not take place until two month later.

Why didn’t I monitor my PSA level more frequently as suggested by my physician in BC? I guess it must be my unconscious denial at work – I did not want to find out the truth, because that might influence my decision to move to Toronto and take up a very challenging new position.

The next train of thought the frequently came to mind was: What if cancer had spread to my bones and other organs? What should I do if I were a terminal case? I kept these thoughts to myself. I am sure that my wife and children might be worried about the same thing, but we just did not want to discuss this possibility before the results of more medical tests came back.

But at the time, the question really hit me hard: What do you do if you only have six months to live?

Paul Wong
www.meaning.ca